G.O.R.E. Score: Zombies Can’t Dance

Zombies Can't Dance

Original Release Date: October 2009
Total Track Time: 46 minutes, 3 seconds
Website: Zombiescantdance.com

“Zombies Can’t Dance” is an ambitious project blending music and visual picture elements to tell its story of the zombie apocalypse. Creator Luke Kuzava has crafted a very unique way to tell his story, and the story itself is very unique as well. ZCD is a compilation of 10 different songs, each telling a different part of the tale in seemingly chronological order. Accompanying each song is an illustration of the central theme of that song, so what you get is essentially a soundtrack, each song with a different musical style, which tells the story, along with a “graphic novel” approach to showing you the visual interpretation of the story. It’s definitely a very different way to experience the story of a zombie apocalypse, and you may find yourself, like I did, getting hooked on the story very quickly and listening to the music over and over – it’s very catchy stuff! I find myself humming “Aim for the Head” and “The Last Party Ever” constantly.

It is clear that Kuzava, the mastermind behind ZCD, has put a lot of time, energy, and passion into this project. After initially e-mailing him to let him know I planned on reviewing his work and asking if he had any insight into his creative process, he was quick to share his story of working on this album largely by himself; he had some assistance from friends along the way, but make no mistake, the story, music, lyrics, and drawings are all a direct result of some serious time and effort put in over the course of years by a very dedicated individual. The results are impressive, to say the least.

Here is how the story goes, as I understand it from multiple listenings. The song titles are in ALLCAPS. I may be missing or mis-interpreting some pieces, but I believe this is the gist of what the story aims to encompass:

There are two main characters, Angela and her boyfriend. On the eve of impending nuclear war, our couple ends up at a party where they decide that there is nothing to do in the face of imminent doom except drink and dance their troubles away (THE LAST PARTY EVER). Somehow, the duo survive and find themselves part of a very small fraction of the population that is somehow immune to the deadly effects of the nuclear radiation; meeting up with a preacher, they are confused and somewhat angry that they survived when all of their friends and family have not (SURVIVOR’S GUILT). There is another side effect of the nuclear bombs being dropped: it reanimates dead bodies, causing zombies to rise from their graves (BIRTH OF THE ZOMBIES). We hear the story of two brothers who attempted to ride out the apocalypse together, with mixed success (AIM FOR THE HEAD). Military scientists create nuclear-powered robots to “hunt down all manifestations of the undead threat” and we hear about their creation and their mission so far (REVELATION OF THE ZOMBIES). The preacher decides that he is tired of running from zombies and questioning his religion, and he just wants things to be over for him (I WANNA BE A ZOMBIE). We meet a radical group of “analog technologists” who believe they are destined to rule this new world (THE TESLANS). Angela succumbs to the desire to stop running from the zombies as well, and her boyfriend laments her passing (ANGELA). We hear a story of a group of humans, including one of the brothers from “Aim for the Head,” who are enjoying their new, simple lives (IN THE FOREST). After a particularly bloody battle between the zombies, the robots, and the Teslans, our main character decides to do what he feels he has to do in order to end this miserable existence (THE END OF THE APOCALYPSE).

Let’s head on in to Scores-ville:

G: General Entertainment – Kuzava has crafted a very complete story with some great elements to it. As I mentioned above, the songs are catchy and easily remembered; this is definitely NOT a “one-trick pony” where you listen to the music once and then are done. You’ll definitely want to head over to Zombiescantdance.com and add the music to your collection, especially while it’s still free! 8/10

O: Original Content – Obviously a very high score here. This is, both to my knowledge and to the creator’s, the first ever complete zombie story told in the musical milieu. Bonus points for the story not being your basic “zombie apocalypse” fare, instead incorporating fairly unique elements of zombie-hunting robots and a group of radicals that “worship” Nikola Tesla to help make this story stand out from the rest. 9/10

R: Realism – Pretty good stuff here. Most of what happens in the story you could see happening in a real-life scenario, especially the “why bother” and “why keep trying” attitudes that permeate the characters throughout the songs. Some brief suspensions of belief are required, particularly in “Angela” and “The End of the Apocalypse,” but these minor issues definitely do not significantly detract from the story as a whole. 8/10

E: Editing – The songs are remarkably polished and professional; it’s clear that this wasn’t just done in someone’s basement over the weekend. Indeed, Kuzava shared with me details of the process he went through to create the music, and it sounded pretty damn time-consuming and meticulous to me – further proof of how much this project is a “labor of love” on his part. Again, only minor complaints here, as sometimes the vocals can get drowned out in the music, most notably on sections of “In the Forest.” Fortunately, the lyrics are available on the website by clicking on each song’s image, and repeated listening of the tracks will bring any words you might have missed the first time back around to you. 8/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 8.25/10 for “Zombies Can’t Dance.” I highly encourage everyone to head over to Zombiescantdance.com immediately to listen to and view the music and artwork, and download them for repeated listening if you’d like. This is a very unique concept that is very well-executed, and I find myself lucky to have stumbled across it when I did!

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

G.O.R.E. Score: Re-Animator

Re-Animator

Original Release Date: October 18, 1985
Run Time: 95 minutes

Straight out of the 1980s came “Re-Animator,” an amazing film that somehow took zombies, gore, comedy, and an unknown cast, threw it all together, and created a one-of-a-kind experience for zombie and horror lovers everywhere.

H.P. Lovecraft wrote the serialized story “Herbert West: Re-Animator” back in the early 1920s, proving to be stunningly ahead of his time in his descriptions and depictions of re-animating the dead. Even though the 1985 movie I am reviewing here shares the same name and a few characters and locations, make no mistake: this movie is its own entity, brought to life by the writing team and the performances of its cast, most notably the over-the-top personification of the titular Dr. West played to perfection by Jeffrey Combs. “Re-Animator” is, quite simply, a unique movie-watching experience, not likely to be reproduced any time soon, if ever.

Let’s Score this bad boy:

G: General Entertainment – Re-Animator is old-school fun. From the opening scene with it’s one random zombie through the “it’s over…or is it?” ending, the movie keeps the viewer engaged and wanting more. Sure, the look of the film has gotten a little dated, but that’s part of what makes it grand. Re-Animator is a great example of a “splatter film” made in the prime of splatter films, the ‘80s. 8/10

O: Original Content – Even though this film is based on the Lovecraft story of the same name, the movie is a loose adaptation at best; much of the story, including many locations, plot points, and the “modernization,” belong solely to the creators of the film (writers William Norris, Dennis Paoli, and writer/director Stuart Gordon). The movie scores bonus points for details that are pretty unique to zombie cinema, including a severed zombie head that can still control it’s body, varying levels of the zombies’ abilities based on the “freshness” of the body, a reanimated “zombie kitty,” and who can forget the synthesized, glowing “re-agent” that must be injected directly into the body’s pituitary gland. The true “high mark” of the film is that so many of its ideas and concepts are so unique and specific to the story of this film that they haven’t been replicated by other zombie movies. 9/10

R: Realism – Every film has it’s “Achilles heel,” and in my opinion, Re-Animator’s biggest problem lies in some of the “practical” questions. It feels weird criticizing the “realism” of a movie whose premise in based on a magical serum that can bring dead bodies back into various stages of animation, but stay with me here…most of my qualms refer to the plot ignoring the laws of physics as they would relate to what’s going on in the movie. For example, when Dr. Hill’s head is decapitated but then re-animated, how can he still speak when his mouth has been detached from his windpipe and vocal chords? Why does his severed head seem to be struggling to breathe until he is placed in a pool of blood—he shouldn’t struggle to breathe without lungs, and shouldn’t the blood go through what’s left of his trachea and come out of his mouth? There’s more, but I feel silly getting this detailed on a zombie movie. :) 6/10

E: Effects and Editing – The movie is well-paced, with the unrated cut actually clocking in at nine minutes shorter than the theatrical cut (95 mins theatrical, 86 mins unrated). The gore is astounding, plentiful, and looks great for an ‘80s film – according to the DVD commentary, the special effects supervisor used 24 gallons of fake blood throughout shooting. Awesome! 9/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 8/10 for “Re-Animator.” I would put this in the “must-see” category for any true zombie fan. It’s a unique spin on a fairly standard tale, and the performances of the cast coupled with the great effects really put this movie over the top. I’ll look forward to seeing the two sequels, “Bride of Re-Animator” and “Beyond Re-Animator,” soon!

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

G.O.R.E. Score: Star Wars: Death Troopers

Star Wars: Death Troopers (2009)

Original Release Date: October 13, 2009
Publisher: LucasBooks

REVIEWER’S NOTE: It is nigh-impossible to talk about this book without giving away some pretty spoiler-iffic stuff, especially in the “Star Wars Characters and Locations” department.  I have made the actual Scoring spoiler-free, so if you don’t want to know any of this pertinent info, skip down to that section.  Otherwise,

<<SPOILERS HO!>>

“Death Troopers,” the mixing of a Star Wars story and a zombie horror story, feels a little like meeting a supermodel might: your preconceived notions make you insanely excited for the big event, it seems so amazing and perfect from a distance, but after you spend some time with it, you find out that it’s definitely not perfect and you actually end up a little bummed out.

The book was written by Joe Schreiber, who (according to the book’s jacket) has written a few horror novels before, none of which I have read.  I’m not sure how big of a Star Wars fan Schreiber may have been prior to this assignment, but if he was a fan, I would hope that even he feels a bit disappointed by the way this story turned out.  The whole time I was reading this story, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt…rushed.  Like the book was rushed into production so the creators could make sure to “cash in” on the current zombie wave before it ended.  Nothing is really fleshed out to enjoyable levels; the characters are bland and forgettable, the locations are basic and something a child could have conceived, and the action is actually pretty mundane.  Don’t let the size of the book fool you: “Death Troopers” is only 240 pages long, and you are given 5 “bonus” chapters from some other terrible Star Wars story to help fill space.  As I’ll talk about further below, if you take away the Star Wars aspect of the story, you are left with just another dime-a-dozen zombie story, pretty unoriginal and pretty damn predictable.

The Star Wars Universe is a vast place, full of interesting locations and a myriad of existing characters and different races from which to create unique characters.  Unfortunately, “Death Troopers” doesn’t utilize any of this; there are six main characters, five of whom are human and one of whom is a Wookie.  Before you get excited about a new Wookie to meet – it’s Chewbacca.  And Han Solo is one of the five humans.  That’s right, Schreiber felt like he needed to use “stunt casting” to help sell the book, which is truly a shame; don’t get me wrong, Han and Chewie fit well into the context of the story, it’s just sad that the only way Schreiber felt that he could make this a true Star Wars story was to have one or more of the “main characters” feature in the story.  And if any of the peripheral characters in this story threw Darth Vader’s name around one more time, I might have just lightsabered my own eyes out.

Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT the first Star Wars horror novel to ever be written.  In fact, this may not even be the first Star Wars zombie book ever written!  In 1997 and 1998 there were twelve Star Wars novels released under the branding “Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear.”  Granted, the books were geared towards “young adult” readers and were trying to piggy-back on the success of the “Goosebumps” series of scary novels, but they are out there.  The second book in the series, “City of the Dead,” actually deals with undead monsters as well; in an odd twist of fate, this story also features Han Solo.  He must be what we call a Zombie Magnet.

<<END SPOILERS>>

All right, much like John Williams, let’s give this Star Wars the Score it deserves:

G: General Entertainment – Subtract the Star Wars elements of this story, and you’ve got just another standard zombie story.  Deserted location?  Check.  Deadly virus?  Check.  Rag-tag group of survivors?  Check.  Fortunately, the addition of Star Wars makes pretty much everything better, but only for geeks – anybody remember the “Star Wars Holiday Special” from back in the day?  Yeah, a terrible piece of televised craftsmanship, but now it’s loved by all the Force fans.  Same rule applies here. 7/10

O: Original Content – Okay, even though we’ve established that this may not be the only Star Wars zombie book out there, it is definitely the first one geared towards adults, and it’s the first one that falls into the “rules” of what we currently accept about zombie stories.  The story definitely does get credit for giving us the unique meshing of zombies at the Star Wars Universe, even if it does feel a bit forced (no pun intended!).  8/10

R: Realism – My biggest problem here is that I didn’t believe in any of the characters.  None of them resonated with me, and Schreiber didn’t take enough time to give the characters enough back story to make you want to care about them.  The “plucky” young kids are just annoying and random.  The “rich girl” doctor is just an extra person in most scenes that really only exists to give the reader a “medical” perspective on things.  Jareth Sartoris, the Captain of the Guard onboard the prison barge, is supposed to be evil, but we never get to know him well enough to know why, which also cheapens his shot at redemption at the end.  The only characters that the reader does end up caring about are the ones mentioned above from the “established” Star Wars Universe that make their appearance here, and that’s only because the reader has come to know and love these characters before this story ever began.  6/10

E: Editing – The worst part of the story, in my humble opinion.  In addition to the story being questionably short (only 240 pages, really?), it seems like every chapter in the first half of the book feels like it needs to end in a “cliffhanger” for some reason; worse than that, due to the way the book bounces around to the different characters’ point of view, the “suspense” of the end of the chapter usually wasn’t addressed until a few more chapters down the line, leaving the reader with frustrating questions to be thought about while reading about something else entirely.  Once the second half of the book hits, Schreiber has left so many questions that have to be answered that the action feels haphazard, as if he was in such a rush to answer these questions that the actual story had to take a back seat.  5/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 6.5/10 for “Death Troopers.”  Re-reading this review, I actually sound pretty negative about this book, which was definitely not my intent; I guess I was just so excited about the melding of the Star Wars and Zombie genres that I was (still am) disappointed that the end result wasn’t executed as well as it could have been.  This is still definitely a fun book to read, and I do recommend you pick it up if you are a fan of Star Wars and zombies; it’s a very unique read that you really won’t get anywhere else.

And now, my friends, you know the Score! 

G.O.R.E. Score: The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks

The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks

Original Release Date: October 6, 2009
Total Number of Issues: 1 (Standalone Graphic Novel)
Publisher: Three Rivers Press

“The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks” is a graphic novel that gives a “visual” chronicling of some of the recorded zombie attacks from Max Brooks’ quintessential first book, “The Zombie Survival Guide.” This release has taken some flak in customer reviews, mostly from people who don’t understand the genesis of this graphic novel. So, just to make sure everyone reading this review is clear: the stories in this graphic novel are taken directly from the “mini-stories” that Brooks wrote about in his novel “The Zombie Survival Guide.” They are his fictitious accounts of zombie attacks throughout the ages, and “Recorded Attacks” seeks to bring them to life via the comic-book medium.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to read Brooks’ original “The Zombie Survival Guide,” I highly recommend you seek it out immediately. It has essentially became “required reading” for anyone considering themselves anything more than a passing fan of zombies, and his follow-up novel, “World War Z,” is just as amazing, from a totally different angle. But those are stories for another review; here, we need to talk specifically about “Recorded Attacks,” so let’s go ahead and Score it up:

G: General Entertainment – This is a very light and easy graphic novel to read. At 144 pages, you will read through it much quicker than you think, and that’s not entirely a bad thing. The dialogue is minimal, but this is mostly because Brooks’ stories are brought to life so effectively by the artist, Ibraim Roberson. My only major complaint is that I wanted to see MORE stories brought to life in this tome! 8/10

O: Original Content – Tough to make this call for this particular book; on the one hand, Brooks’ stuff is 100% original and greatly inventive, but this is a re-hashing of those stories, so should this book really get all those originality points, especially if the reader has already read “The Zombie Survival Guide?” Let’s split the difference: if Brooks’ original story gets a 10 and the “remake” version gets a 0, that gives a nice, even 5/10

R: Realism –It’s actually pretty damn fun to read this story and think of how zombies might have existed in and been reacted to by the various cultures and time frames in these stories. My only concern is this: if zombies have indeed been around since 30,000 B.C., how did it take them so long to “rise up” and become a worldwide issue? 7/10

E: Editing – Pretty good stuff here. Roberson is a talented artist, and he really brings the various time frames to life. The gore is pretty good here, too. There were only a few instances when I had to go back and re-read a panel-to-panel transition because it didn’t make sense to me, and the decision to print the entire novel in black-and-white is a debatable one, depending on your preferences. 7/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 6.75/10 for “The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks.” I personally really enjoyed reading this graphic novel, but I can understand some people’s complaints that, other than adding the actual graphic element, this volume really didn’t do anything to add to Brooks’ already-existing storyline. Can’t please ‘em all, right?

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

G.O.R.E. Score: Living with the Dead

Living with the Dead

Original Release Date: October 10, 2007
Total Number of Issues: 3 (Mini-series)
Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

I stumbled across “Living with the Dead” as a small little graphic novel at the bookstore; the price was right, so I thought I would check it out.  The graphic novel collected the entire three-issue mini-series produced by Dark Horse, and after now having read it twice, I can confidently share my thoughts with you, my dear readers.

“Living with the Dead” sucks.  It is a plain, boring, unimaginative, unoriginal series that is, quite frankly, an insult to anyone of us out here that have ever had a unique idea about zombies and thought “this would make a cool book/movie/game/etc.”

Here is the tired plot, in a nutshell: two dudes, Straw and Whip, find themselves somehow immune to the airborne plague that has turned everyone else in New York City (and, ostensibly, the planet, as indicated by the comic’s tagline “Two boys…one girl…seven billion  living dead!”) into flesh-eating zombies.  Instead of coming up with a plan or worrying about their long-term survival, the two guys wander the town pretty aimlessly, until they meet up with a living female, Betty, who threatens to tear their friendship apart.  Anything in that synopsis that you haven’t seen done 100 times over?  Didn’t think so.  And you won’t see anything new or original in the comics, either…up to and including the brain-dead (pun intended) “climactic” final pages.

“Living with the Dead” is so bland and boring that I can’t even, in good conscience, devote any more time to giving you narrative to tell you how truly awful it is, because that would probably lead to more time spent on my article telling you how bad it is than the time any of the creative team spent creating this snooze-fest.  So let’s just get right to the Score, shall we?

G: General Entertainment – This is a pretty boring comic series.  The art is fairly unremarkable, the visual gore is nothing to get excited about, and the writing is mundane.  The only reason I gave it one point instead of zero is as follows: I wanted to make sure I was giving this mini-series a fighting chance with my opinion, so I re-read the three issues about two weeks after I first read them, to see if my opinions on the subject matter had changed at all.  They didn’t.  But knowing the characters after the first read-through, I “voice-cast” them based on which celebrities I thought matched the look and feel of the characters.  Using Bruce Campbell as Straw, Patrick Warburton as Whip, and Zooey Deschanel as Betty, I was able to entertain myself more the second read through.  But not by much. 1/10

O: Original Entertainment – There is absolutely nothing in this series that hasn’t been done many times over by other zombie books, movies, games, and so forth.  A few lonely survivors.  Guys fighting over a girl.  Zombie mayhem in a shopping mall.  Main characters escaping out of seemingly inescapable jams.  Killing zombies with a chainsaw.  Sigh.  Seemingly no one put any thought into this series (certainly not any original thoughts, anyhow), and if they did, they should consider themselves lucky to still have a job in the industry. 0/10

R: Realism – A big goose egg here.  Where to begin, the examples of poor writing and under-thinking the plot holes are fruitful.  Here are my two favorites: on the opening page, the zombies turn in menace towards the characters at the slightest sound or motion they make, but later the two guys have daily rock concerts on their roof, and the undead don’t seem to really notice or care.  And then there’s the all-time best of the worst, the most glaringly stupid mistake of the entire series: the living characters can interact directly with the undead, and as long as they wear masks with a picture of a skull on them and say “Brains,” then the zombies miraculously leave them alone!  Even if an entire horde of the undead is chasing a living character, if the character turns a corner quickly, puts his mask on, and says “Brains,” a “7 million undead” are somehow fooled – EVEN THE ONES WITHOUT EYES OR EARS!  Granted, we saw a little of this type of tactic work, to quite humorous effect, in the movie “Shaun of the Dead,” but that was a one-time throwaway gag, not a primary tenet of the characters’ lives.  If you’re going to make the focal point of your story such a ridiculous supposition as to say that zombies can be fooled by minimal effort in tricking one or two senses, at least make sure that the undead you show being tricked actually have the faculties to be fooled. 0/10

E: Effects and Editing – I’ll give two points here: one point for the artist, who can’t control the disaster of a plot, giving us some okay-looking drawings of zombies and gore, and one point for the editor who thankfully kept this to a three-issue series; anything more would have bordered on cruel and unusual punishment of the reader. 2/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 0.75/10 for “Living with the Dead.”  Save yourself the pain of being disappointed by a zombie story and steer clear of this mess, as well as any subsequent sequels the world may be unfortunate enough to have to suffer through.

Any now, my friends, you know the Score!

G.O.R.E. Score: Night of the Comet

Night of the Comet

Original Release Date: November 16, 1984
Run Time: 95 minutes

“Night of the Comet” is a very unique movie.  To the average viewer, it probably appears to be just another kitschy ‘80s horror film.  But for those select viewers “in the know” about this movie’s director, Thom Eberhardt, and what his true intentions were in making this film, the experience of watching “Night of the Comet” is completely different and – in my humble opinion – infinitely more rewarding.

The plot is simple enough, in its obliviously-cheesy way: a comet is passing closely to Earth, so almost everyone on the planet decides to throw a party to stand outside and watch it pass by.  The opening credits are shown while a newscast talks about how this comet “hasn’t been seen in our solar system since the time the dinosaurs mysteriously vanished,” which raises the awareness of the viewer but apparently not a single person in the actual movie.  Comet passes by, bad things happen to the people who were staring directly at it, and the few people on the planet who weren’t directly affected by the comet (including a surprisingly young-looking and heroic-acting Robert Beltran, better known to some as Chakotay from “Star Trek: Voyager”) are left to deal with the consequences.

When making this movie, Eberhardt set out to make a loving and tongue-in-cheek homage to the “classic” sci-fi/horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s, and ‘70s – the movies he grew up watching.  The resulting film that was captured and edited for wide release is so spot-on that, if you didn’t know going into your viewing that the film was made as a tribute to the genre, you most likely mistook it for just another entry into the genre it was trying to honor!  Eberhardt used common visual tactics like color schemes representing moods and personalities (the typical “Valley girl” cheerleader gets outfits with bright pinks and blues, the bad guys wear black, and so forth) in addition to the infamous “red light” to signify times of danger for the lead characters.  The apocalyptic elements of the plot, replete with the typical scary-movie settings and dialogue, are once again so similar to the movies that “Night of the Comet” was born from that one could easily mistake this film for another member of the group instead of the excellently-done compliment to the genre that it truly is.

Let’s Score this puppy:

G: General Entertainment – While the acting is well done, the gore is minimal, and it definitely has the “look” and “feel” of the 70s-80s horror film.  At first glance, everything about the movie is “dated;” the settings, characterizations, dialogue, costuming, and more just scream “period piece.”  Not to say that this, in itself, isn’t entertaining, but as mentioned above, when you see this movie you fall into one of two categories: you know the movie is in tribute to the entertainment of past horror films and you appreciate it, or you think this movie is just another stock horror film and aren’t that impressed.  6/10

O: Original Content – While I normally think it is difficult for any remake or “tribute” picture to have a lot of original content, NotC actually does surprisingly well in this area, thanks to two major sources: the “problem” in the story, and Mary Woronov.  The approach of a comet turning the people of the world either into zombies or red dust is a fairly unique one, and it still retains the “feel” of the problems that a lot of typical kitschy horror plots faced.  Woronov is a veteran horror film actor, having appeared in over 40 films before NotC, including “Hell Hole,” “Blood Theater,” “Rock and Roll High School,” “Silent Night, Bloody Night,” and of course, the original “Death Race 2000.”  While her appearance here may not immediately count as “original content,” I do give credit to Eberhardt for including her in this cast specifically as a way to “pass the torch” to the next generation of horror films, a casting tactic that now seems to be fairly widely in use. 8/10

R: Realism – This is where the film suffers the most.  The plot asks us to believe that anyone not inside of a steel-lined structure at the time of the comet’s passing is either turned into red dust or turned into a flesh-eating zombie; fair enough, but then we learn that only two teen-aged girls, one truck driver, a team of scientists, and a select few others are the only people in Los Angeles and the greater southern California area, if not the world, who happened to be inside steel-lined structures and survived?  The people that do become zombies seem to transform randomly and at extremely different paces, and even they are few and far between, seemingly existing only to provide the requisite “monster” antagonists. 5/10

E: Effects and Editing – The zombie effects, when the zombies do appear, are pretty good by ‘80s standards, and are used enough to convey the appropriate sense of “zombie-ness” without beating the viewer over the head with it.  The movie moves along at a fairly brisk pace, clocking in at under 100 minutes, and in addition to Eberhardt effectively using the color schemes in relation to the characters, as noted above, he did a great job of making the entire city seem deserted and abandoned, giving us multiple wide shots of a variety of locations; what were once busy intersections and popular places around town are clearly now empty and desolate. 7/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we get an TOTAL SCORE OF 6.5/10 for “Night of the Comet.”  The film definitely serves as a good tribute to the horror movies that have come before it, if you know going into to your viewing that’s what the movie is trying to do; otherwise, it might easily fall into the category of “just another ‘80s horror film.”

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

G.O.R.E. Score Review: Boy Eats Girl

Boy Eats Girl

Original Release Date: September 23, 2005
Run Time: 80 minutes

This is the first viewing I’ve ever had of a zombie movie that came out of Ireland, and I must say, I was pleasantly surprised.

“Boy Eats Girl” was clearly made in response to the success of 2004’s smash zom-com hit “Shaun of the Dead.” While this film obviously didn’t reach the same heights (in either exposure or quality), it does have some great high points and great takes on a lot of ideas that other zombie movies don’t pull off as effectively.

The movie clocks in at a scant 80 minutes long, which is probably to it’s advantage, and really doesn’t use any “name” actors, at least none that audiences here in the U.S. will be familiar with (the “biggest” star in the movie is Samantha Mumba, who is borderline-memorable for her singing career and role in the 2002 remake of “The Time Machine,” a movie I very much enjoyed). Everything else I want to say about the film falls under a Score category, so let’s get right to it!

G: General Entertainment – the comedic scenes were very funny, and the gory scenes were nice and bloody, but unfortunately the movie feels clunky when trying to transition between the two. This film clearly won’t be winning any acting or story awards, but it does a pretty good job of keeping the viewer engaged. 8/10

O: Original Content – while there have been other movies that try to combine teen-comedy and zombie-horror (“Dance of the Dead” and “Night of the Living Dorks,” to name just a few), this movie has a decidedly “British humor” feel to it, making it a very unique entrant into the category. This film also gets bonus points for taking the explanation of it’s zombies back to the “roots” of the zombie, relying heavily on voodoo elements to explain how the reanimation works.6/10

R: Realism – while it does seem, at first glance, like a lot of the teens in this movie react in a “realistic” way to their classmates reanimating and their world turning upside-down in front of them, upon closer inspection a lot of the characters’ actions just don’t make sense. A lot of characters make really bad choices, like continually trying to reason with the zombies, or pounding on a door to be let in only to have the door opened for them and continuing to stand outside peering around to find the source of the “mystery noise.” Even the zombies’ actions contradict themselves: when the lead character becomes a zombie, he says he is “faster…stronger…and I don’t feel pain,” sentiments the other zombies seem to share…until the plot needs them to forget it, of course. A zombie that gets stuck in the hand with scissors yelps in pain; zombies that catch on fire howl and run around trying to put themselves out; and all the “faster…stronger” zombies don’t even come close to catching the “Mom” character who casually meanders in and out of her car in the climactic scene. Too many inconsistencies here to outweigh the moments of true realism and emotion some characters do give us. 4/10

E: Effects and Editing – not bad here, when the effects finally do come, that is; the first third of the movie or so is zombie-free, and the first scenes with the zombies use the “hidden” side-shots and the shadows to make you think the undead are probably more gruesome than they really are. But when they do make their presence known, the gore and kills are actually quite good-looking. The scene of killing zombies with the tractor-thresher is extremely impressive, I must admit, and probably worth the price of admission alone!6/10

Taking these scores and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 6/10 for “Boy Eats Girl.” Not a “must-see” by any stretch of the imagination, but if you are looking for an above-average zombie movie that gives you a pretty unique spin on the undead and how they roll with the “kids these days,” you could do a lot worse than this one.

And now, my friends, you know the score!

G.O.R.E. Score Review: David Wellington’s “Monster” Trilogy

Monster Island (2006), Monster Nation (2006), Monster Planet (2007)

I wanted to reserve reviewing David Wellington’s trio of zombie books, Monster Island, Monster Nation, and Monster Planet, until I was able to complete reading all of three of them. Now that I have read the entire trilogy, I am glad I waited; even though these stories could exist independently of one another as stand-alone books for someone who hasn’t read all three (or even read them in order), they work together excellently as a complete three-act story arc.

Wellington has created an incredibly engaging story throughout these three books.  It’s very clear he understands the nuances of the zombie genre, but at the same time he works to re-invent and re-invigorate the zombie story by throwing in some very unique and very stylized concepts.  Heck, there is a scene in the third book, Monster Planet, where zombie mummies are shooting machine guns and rocket launchers out of a helicopter onto a caravan of super-powered intelligent zombies, and i as the reader never once questioned the scene or found it to be “implausible” in the context of his story.  Wellington effectively crafts vivid imagery and unique characters, both living and dead, that the reader truly and easily comes to care about.

My only major qualm with the books is the conclusion of the tale; I know it’s definitely a challenge to “wrap up” and put a finite end to a major story like this. With a tale of this scope, you definitely want to make sure you tie up all the loose ends and reconcile everything that has happened in over 800 pages of storyline, and while the ending is certainly broad in scope, it just felt out of sync with the story that Wellington had built up over the first two-and-a-half books. He did an excellent job of putting a definite end to this story but, like many writers, he felt he had to leave some things open-ended for a potential sequel story.

G: General Entertainment – all three books are generally well-paced and kept me flipping pages quickly, very interested in what was coming next. The writing style is easy and accessible and, apart from the overuse of some of the “standard” terms used to describe zombies and their gory nature, the content is very fresh, original, and entertaining. 8/10

O: Original Content –this is where Wellington truly shines and makes the story his own. What could have been another typical genre story was enhanced tenfold by Wellington’s unique additions and augmentations of what we all “expect” from a zombie story. High points include a subconscious network between the undead; reanimated mummy zombies and other older humans that were dead but preserved when the dead started to rise; and a hierarchy of zombies that, if killed while keeping oxygen to their brains, retain their higher-function abilities and given new abilities to control other zombies. Very unique stuff that takes the story to the next-level without feeling over-the-top or out of place. 9/10

R: Realism – Pretty good stuff here as well, although sometimes it seems like Wellington feels the need to go out of his way to over-explain things to his readers. I am specifically referencing the in-depth descriptions of New York City, where much of the first and third books take place, and the explanation of what causes the undead to rise, not that I want to give too much of it away here, of course. Also the book does fall pretty to the “usual” devices of having hordes of zombies around to attack the main characters, but only when it’s convenient for the plot line. 7/10

E: Editing – The books were produced out-of-order, which is usually a bad idea for a printed media series, but in the case of the “Monster” trilogy, it’s actually a very effective trick. The first book, Monster Island, is actually the “middle” of the story; the second book, Monster Nation, is the “beginning” of the story; and the final book, Monster Planet, concludes the story. 8/10

Putting these scores together and averaging them, we come up with an TOTAL SCORE OF 8/10 for the “Monster” trilogy. I thoroughly enjoyed these books, and I highly recommend them to anyone who might enjoy a blend of “classic” zombie story with a dash of new and unique aspects thrown in to make for a singular reading experience.

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

G.O.R.E. Score Review: Zombieland

Zombieland

Original Release Date: October 2, 2009
Run time: 80 minutes

As most of us are keenly aware by now, the hype surrounding “Zombieland” has grown to fairly epic proportions; can you think of the last time a zombie movie received a major national marketing campaign and a coast-to-coast wide theatrical release? Last year’s “Quarantine” had a few commercials on TV here and there, but 2004’s “Dawn of the Dead” is the most recent movie that springs into my head in terms of big-time national exposure, and that was half a decade ago! In any case, after having been one of the lucky few to see “Zombieland” at a sneak preview screening last night (with free swag! I will wear my Zombieland t-shirt and hat with pride, and the Zombieland Hand Sanitizer and Twinkies are especially humorous after you’ve seen the movie), I am proud to say that this movie will definitely live up to the hype for the vast majority of people that go to see it.

“Zombieland” does a surprisingly good job of mixing action, horror, comedy, and even a dash of romance for good measure. The inevitable comparisons to “Shaun of the Dead” will surely arise, but believe me when I say that these are two VERY different films, they just happen to be the two most prominent examples of Zombie Comedies – the only people who will compare the two are people who are too unimaginative to think of anything else to say.

The casting is pretty much spot-on – all four of the main characters seem totally believable and wholly engulfed into their roles. Jesse Eisenberg as the twitchy, better-safe-than-sorry Columbus keeps a written list of the rules that have kept him alive through the zombie apocalypse, and the film does a great job of “presenting” these rules throughout the entire movie. Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin play Wichita and Little Rock, sisters who have issues trusting everyone on the planet but each other. Breslin, in particular, feels very natural and believable in the role – I honestly never once during the movie looked at her and thought “Hey, there’s Little Miss Sunshine,” she really made this role her own and I think audiences will appreciate that. Woody Harrelson is definitely a scene-stealer as the enigmatic Tallahassee; he shows a surprising range of emotions throughout the film, from begrudgingly taking Columbus under his wing to his one-man hunt for a very specific desert treat to showing some of the pain from his pre-apocalypse personal life, Harrelson definitely gets to show the audience why he is a continually under-rated actor. The extras do a great job of being very believable and focused “fast zombies,” and there is a cameo in the movie that is simply, pardon the pun, to die for! A brilliant turn by a brilliant actor, and the best part is that this person’s scenes don’t feel forced at all, they fit perfectly into the zany plot line.

My qualms with the movie were few and far between. A couple of noticeable visual goofs, with actors and objects being in one place or position and in a different spot when the camera shifts angles. The liberal use of the phrase “Zombieland” by pretty much all of the main characters throughout the movie – we get it, you like to call your new world Zombieland. And, as is the case in many zombie films, the undead are conveniently not around when it’s time to have the characters talk to each other to progress the plot or when they have something else important to the movie going on, but when the zombies do attack –surprise! – they come in droves out of nowhere.

Other than these few nitpicks, though, the movie is tremendously entertaining and easily the one of the best zombie films I have seen in quite some time. The comedy is sharp and well-delivered, and kept many of us in the audience laughing continuously. The effects are great, very believable and very gory without going overboard. The plot and pacing of the movie is fantastic, and kudos to the director Ruben Fleischer and the creative team for not feeling like they have to spell out where the zombie virus came from and how it’s taken over the world and what can be done to stop it – this is a simply a great story about normal people living in a suddenly abnormal world and trying to make the best of it (i.e., survive).

Time for some Score-age:

G: General Entertainment – I was fully entertained and engrossed by the movie the entire time. Granted, the film is a scant 80 minutes long, but I’ve got to think that Fleischer and his team knew that by adding more scenes, they may detract from the frenetic flow of the film. As it stands now, there are enough laughs, scares, and real moments to make this movie a tremendously engaging watch. 9/10

O: Original Content – while the setting is your standard post-apocalyptic one, and the zombies are your basic “fast” ones, the movie gets unique kudos in two important areas. The climactic scenes are shot with our characters inside of an amusement park, so there are a lot of unique zombie kills and interactions based on what you find inside amusement parks, which I’m not sure has been featured prominently in a zombie movie before, if featured before at all. Second is the way Columbus’ “rules” are displayed, literally – they pop up on screen in text when they are relevant to the scene, often in funny or ironic screen positions or animations. Good stuff, and very original! 9/10

R: Realism – as mentioned above, the characters are all very believable and “real,” and their reactions to the world they are living in seem very on-par with their varied personality traits. The state of the country as the characters travel through is very believable as well, with just a few suspensions of belief asked from the audience: why do they zombies attack in hordes sometimes but are nowhere to be found other times? How are the electrical grids still on and functional everywhere our characters go, even though this story takes place “months” after the onslaught of the apocalypse? No movie is perfect, and these very few details definitely do not detract from the movie-watching experience. 8/10

E: Effects and Editing – the opening credits of this movie really set the tone for the unique experience of watching this movie, and I can’t give enough credit to the creative team for coming up with these. The opening credits show exactly the opposite of what you expect to see in a zombie movie. Normally you have people running away at full speed from the zombies, and maybe some “quick cuts” of zombie mayhem; for the “Zombieland” opening credits we see, in super-slow-motion, tidbits of people trying to escape various zombies in various scenes of mayhem. The super-slow-motion of these scenes is what takes the cake – you see a zombie throwing someone off a railing, a zombie bride attacking her husband in mid-toast, a zombie attacking firefighters, even a zombie stripper chasing down frightened johns. Just hilarious stuff, and the fact that it’s all in slow motion makes it seem even more surreal than normal. Combine this with great effects, solid pacing, and the few editing gaffes listed above, and you still get a very high score for the “technical” portion of this movie. 8/10

Adding these scores together and averaging them, we come up with a TOTAL SCORE OF 8.5/10 for “Zombieland.” This is easily one of the most enjoyable zombie films I’ve seen in years. I highly recommend everyone see it soon, so you can enjoy the experience of seeing this movie in a theater with a big crowd who will definitely appreciate the movie as much as you do. Be sure to post below your thoughts of the movie after you’ve seen it, I really look forward to what everyone else has to say about this excellent film!

And now, my friends, you know the Score!

–Tony

Original Short Story: A Disagreeable Affectation

Here is the original bio that accompanied this story in it’s various submissions: Tony Schaab returns with his second zombie short story, following the quirky “PaparazZombie” with an equally odd successor.  “A Disagreeable Affectation” started it’s life as a scripted scene Tony wrote for a comedy show put on by IndyProv, Indianapolis’ only independent improvised-comedy troupe; Tony altered the writing of the scene to make the tale work in short-story form.  Tony remains 31 years old.  Tony still runs his zombie-centric blog, Slight of the Living Dead, and is proud to offer short stories along with zombie movie reviews, book reviews, game reviews, and more.  Tony is contractually obligated to mention his friend and fellow short-story author Michael Sullivan in this bio.

 

 A Disagreeable Affectation
by Tony Schaab
Originally written: May 2009

Billy and Jason ran through the door of the abandoned office, slamming it shut behind them.  Out of breath, they were both silent for a long moment before Jason spoke.  ”This shit be fucked up!  There ain’t no way that this is actually happening…” His voice trailed off, unsure of exactly what to say next.

Billy caught his breath and answered, “I know.  I spent my entire youth watching zombie movies…never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that zombies would become real and take over the world!”

“Well, at least we’ve done escaped from them,” Jason said, crouching and peering cautiously out the window.  Suddenly, he stood up, rigid with fear.  “Or not!  Here they come!”

“Shit!” Billy yelled as five of the undead came crashing through the door.  Three of them came shambling towards Billy, arms outstretched, as the other two closed on Jason, who had moved to the far corner of the room and was cowering there in fear.  Not being able to come up with any other coherent thoughts, Billy yelped at his attackers. “Please don’t eat me!  I have a wife and three children!!”

All five of the deceased attackers halted suddenly, stopped in their tracks with their arms in mid-air, as if contemplating some great secret.  Confused but feeling opportunistic, Jason slowly said, ”Ye-yeah, don’t eat me neither!  I’ve gots me a grandmother at home that I be taking care of!”

The zombies, as if awakening from a dream, roared as they all descended upon Jason and in a flash they dragged him, kicking and screaming, out the door of the office and around the corner, where his screams slowly faded.  Left alone, Billy could do nothing but stand and shake in fear and confusion.  While he was still deciding exactly what to do next, a woman came running through the door.

Billy jumped into action; unfortunately, that action was slamming himself up against the wall awkwardly while yelling, “Shit!  Are you a zombie too??”

The woman stopped in the middle of the room, her hands up in front of her in the classic “non-threatening” fashion.  “No, I’m a normal person!  My name is Eliza…what’s yours?”

“Billy…I’m Billy…” was all he could muster as a reply.

“Billy…was that your friend that I just saw being dragged away by zombies?”

Billy, feeling slightly dizzied by the day’s events, replied, “Yeah, they were just here, but I don’t know why they took him and not me…”  He let his voice trail off, not exactly sure what to say next.

The woman took the opportunity to speak, with an air of authority: “I think I may have the answer to that.  I’m Professor Eliza Hollingsworth.  I’m an English teacher at the local college, and our English department faculty was working with the local Army base on a top-secret experiment that was to combine their attempts at ridding the world of counter-terrorism with our attempts of ridding the world of people who can’t speak the English language very well.  But, somewhere along the way, our efforts went horribly, horribly awry.”

Billy opened his mouth to reply, but Eliza, in full-on dramatic monologue mode, carried on with her speech.  “You see, Billy, the reason the zombies drug your friend away but left you alone is quite simple: he must have used bad grammar in front of them.  That’s the only time these zombies attack people: because we accidentally unleashed upon the world the sheer horror of…Grammar Zombies!!”

Billy’s brain, at this point, simply checked out.  Not being able to process such fantastical information, he stood silently, his jaw slacked.  Eliza continued, “I sense your confusion, and I know this is a lot to take in.  The bottom line, Billy, is that we will be just fine as long as we don’t make any grammatical errors in front of the zombies.  Whenever they might come back.”

In a robotic voice, Billy echoed her.  “Yes…whenever they might come back.”

Another few seconds of awkward silence passed between the two, and then suddenly the undead came crashing through the other door on the far side of the office!  With a freshly zombified Jason in tow, they lurched towards the two humans, who backed into a corner together as the professor bravely spoke.

“Fear not, Billy!” Eliza exclaimed theatrically.  “As long as we don’t make any grammatical errors when we speak, we will be just fine!”

“You’re right, Professor!” Bill said, brazenly.  He was feeding off of her bravado, making him feel more empowered, and more dramatic as a side effect.  “I realize now, based on what you’ve told me, that there is nothing to be afraid of!”

The zombies stopped suddenly, slowly turning and staring with their undead eyes, fixating on Billy.

Eliza stared a Billy in horror.  “Billy…did you just…end your sentence…with a preposition?”

A variety of emotions passed over Billy’s face as he slowly realized his mistake.  “No…I said that I was afraid with…I mean, I…SHIT!”

Billy frantically looked for an opportunity to run, but it was far too late.  The group of living dead tore Billy apart limb by limb, eating his insides and splashing Eliza with blood and guts and she stood by, frozen in fright and looking away in horror.  The group, having finished their meal and having no reason to attack Eliza, began to shamble away aimlessly.  Eliza, sobbing, couldn’t help but deliver one last dramatic line for her fallen comrade.  “Oh, Billy!  Hopefully your death will not be in vain!”

The undead zombies stopped abruptly in mid-shuffle and turned back to look at Eliza.  She sneered at them.  “Keep moving, you assholes.  According to the American Writer’s Association as of 2005, using ‘hopefully’ at the beginning of a sentence is no longer considered a dangling participle.”

The zombies looked at one another, nodded and grunted begrudgingly, and continue their slow walk out the door of the office, leaving Eliza alone in the suddenly-quiet room.

Taking a moment to compose herself, Eliza wiped the gore off of her face and stood tall.  Speaking to no one in particular, she dramatically stated: “I see now that it is up to me to save the world.  However, instead of amassing guns and teaching violence, I know now I must amass English textbooks and teach proper grammatical contexts.  We can win this war…with our mouths!”

Determined and with purpose, Eliza strode towards the door of the office.  A few feet from the door, she tripped and stumbled over something unseen on the ground.  Her dramatic trance broken, she looked down, exclaiming “Shit!  Where did that piece of entrails come from?”

In the distance, she heard the pack of zombies groan and heard the shuffling of their feet approaching.  Realizing her grammatical mistake made in a moment of panic, she tried to backtrack, stammering: “I mean, did this piece of entrails from come…where…oh, fuck it!”

She ran off to begin the resistance movement, knowing that she was a marked woman in the eyes of…THE GRAMMAR ZOMBIES!